WORST SOUND MIXING NOMINATION

CHRISTOPHER BOYES, THE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

Could someone please tell us why this guy’s been getting loving gumjobs from the Academy since back in 1997?

That year he won the Oscar for sound editing on Titanic. (A stretch.) Then came his work on Pearl Harbor. As good as Ben Affleck was playing a love-struck flyboy, the throbbing pain in our ears -– in other words, the shitty sound editing -- wrecked the movie for us. And they gave Sir Mix-A-Crap the gold trophy for that one too.

But then hot stuff thought he could make the leap to sound mixing. Not to be rude, but what in the name of fuckin’ split pea soup was he thinking?

As far as we’re concerned, you could fill a condom with all Boyes knows about sound mixing.

And now he’s nominated in the best sound mixing category for The Pirates of the Caribbean? Come on, people, that’s as wrong as Richard Grieco is right.

(You heard me. Show some love to your old undercover partner, you French-screwing Hunter S. Thompson toady. Show it.)

Boyes, you couldn’t sound mix Keira Knightley’s butt-cheeks right.

When you’re done glowing in the adulation of your fraudulent success, we suggest you listen closely with your tone-deaf ears to what Rev. Dale A. Robbins has to say in his Tips for Church Sound Mixing.

Before performing a sound mix, first initialize the mixer controls by setting them to off, flat, or zero. This establishes a frame of reference and eliminates complications later. Make sure the master volume fader is all the way down or set to zero.

You taking notes, Boyksums? Because we predict The Curse you put on this category will finally be broken when Andy Nelson comes galloping up your ass with his sound mixing for Seabiscuit, taking the Oscar by a nose.