Diamond in the Rough

Did you hear the rumor that Theo is joining the Peace Corp and spending a year in some Third World country? I kid you not. In a perfect world, that is a world that plays out like an eighties movie, he returns with a loin-cloth wearing indigenous person who just happens to throw an unhittable 110-mph fastball. With Manny leaving Boston, they put "our new closer" in Manny's old suite in the Ritz. Then all sorts of hilarious cultural misunderstandings ensue between the new pitcher and the annoying fan boys and intrusive photogs that are driving all our best players out of town. "This Green Monster everyone is talking about, he's sounds very scary to me," the wide-eyed hurler says to his love interest, a sympathetic Rachel McAdams, who works in Red Sox public relations and looks devastatingly cute in her winter Sox jacket. She tries to help him the best she can, but must watch helplessly as the city's initial love affair with him sours after a mid-season series against Yankees when the new guy gives up back-to-back game-winning HRs. Our new closer says: "Why do people boo me? Just yesterday they cheer. I do not understand." McAdams responds softly: "Neither do I. Neither do I." The whole time "the evil president" with his beady eyes and receding hairline tries sabotaging our innocent flame-throwing hero because he doesn't wants the young idealistic GM to get the credit for turning around the team. Young GM played by... Jake Gyllenhaall. Sinister executive played by... Clint Eastwood. Good-hearted but awkward and ineffectual owner played by...Michael Caine. Big Papi played by... 50 Cent.