New York City, baby.

Friday, March 26, 2004

New York Steps Up Security

One week after the Courtney Love train wreck that injured one fan, NYPD has mounted an unprecedented security effort in the hopes of thwarting another massive attack by a spiraling out-of-control celebrity.

Teams of officers have been doing surprise “security sweeps” of all black luxury SUVs before they enter New York City to make sure they aren’t carrying Tara Reid.

Some of the other anti-celebrity terrorism measures include:

* Equipping over 3,200 cops with a lightweight, military style gas masks, which can withstand prolonged exposure to face-scolding vodka breath.

* Deploying cops outside Shannen Doherty’s hotel room to establish a presence.

* Spot checks of rock stars at concerts, especially those with plummeting record sales or beefs with Jack White.

* Checking suspected party girls for the absence of underwear, using special mirrors to view underneath barely there mini-skirts.

* Placing shoebox sized sensors in nightclub bathrooms that would analyze the air and would sound a silent alarm in the event a wasted party girl unleashes a biochemical vomit attack.

* National Guard soldiers, equipped with skank-sniffing dogs, unexpectedly swarming fast-food joints after 2 AM, in a bid to thwart a whacked-out diva from unleashing another surgically-altered body part

* Towing away suspicious-looking celebrities in “VIP lounge areas”. On the NYPD Watch List: coked-out blondes with exposure-starved eyes, C-Listers desperate to revive/maintain their career, all reality television personalities, Michael Pitt, Natasha Lyonne, Asia Argento, any offspring of The Rolling Stones.

* Cops look for suspicious behavior on stage, and are trained to read body language, patrolling for wobbly posture, vulgar physical gestures, and trouble stripping down to underwear.

These security measures are part of a larger plan to keep all New Yorkers safe. While the NYPD feels the threat has lessened -- based on intelligence reports (faulty, of course) that Courtney Love has flown back to Los Angeles -- they encourage the populace to stay vigilant.


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