New York City, baby.

Friday, January 30, 2004

Movie That Makes You Contemplate Your Existence Award


A long time ago, we had anointed the final installment of The Matrix as the winner of this coveted award. Premature perhaps? Well, not quite as bad as the strategic electoral map we created to show how Howard Dean could topple George Bush in 2004. Hint: Florida was key.

Speaking of Dr. LoVermont, you wanna hear The Scream. You should have stood outside the Battery Park movie theater as all us Matrix junkies exited the trilogy's conclusion.

As for other movies that held the promise of going somewhere, Sofia Coppola’s Lost In Translation dissapointed overall. Of course, we’re the only weirdos who hold this opinion; not only does that reconfirm our “true outsider status” but it also reconfirms that so-called smart people “no shit.”

Come on, folks. This is the movie that taught you something about the human condition? We were left unmoved by this self-assured tale about two people with nothing in common but actually, hang on, something in common. It was old saw Creative Writing Class clichés served on a delicately hypnotic plate.

For those looking for a truly smart portrayal of modern disassociation, a better movie to see is the little Sundance gem called Melvin Goes To Dinner. It did what maybe no other movie did in 2003: capture a moment.

Think of it as a My Dinner With Andre for the contemporary late 20’s/early 30’s set -- highly educated, losing their mind. It’s worth seeing just for the brilliant Jack Black cameo.

While we applaud director Steve Odenkirk for reminding us that a low-budget film of ideas can triumph over expensive CGI effects, we give our Movie That Makes You Contemplate Your Existence Award to American Wedding.

The true star of this pants-pisser of a movie was Stifler. He's a throwback to Zen-like madmen of yore -- such as the classic Ace Ventura. They have much to teach us if we choose to listen.

After the film's lame opening sequence involving a failed hummer-under-the-table joke, deep concern grew rapidly. But then the character of Stifler showed up and the flatlining movie sprang to life. We were suddenly sent barreling off a cliff of laughs with the smirking fratboy delivering one genius line after the other.

A review written in Australia's official urban culture online magazine is titled: Too Much Stifler, Not Enough Story. And we always thought the Aussies "got it". Now we're not so sure.

Too much Stifler? Come on, mates, it's Stifler who turns this barely-worth-renting movie into a cult classic. The movie sucks when he isn't on the screen. Thank God, this is not often.

Lost in Translation was applauded for it's sad wisdom. Stifler, aka The Stifmeister, declaring loudly in the middle of a store “I just want to hang out with my wang out, I want to rock out with my c*&k out” -- that's sad wisdom.

Such words eloquently expressed the sentiments of many of those who felt stuck in a dull, not-terribly-satisfying, Copolla-filled world.


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