Best Restaurant To Commit Suicide During Your Meal

'ino (Bedford St.)

Looking to "off yourself"? What better place to do it than this critic's darling/vino-decorated hell?

What's better than overpriced panini sandwiches that you have to "convince" yourself are great? Try eating them trapped cozily beside a grating whitebread nitwit.

The Yak-Pak carrying East-Coast-Valley-Schrew went on and on, offering her sensitive "guy pal" her STRONG opinions on this girl and that girl and work and this guy and work.

Here's a sample of her repetitive, annoying monologues that were drilled into our cranium: "She goes and then he goes and then... you know what I mean... and she's tight with Annie Mercado who... you know what I mean... and I can't believe she did this and had the nerve to do that and..." Ahhhh!

What fools we were to have brunch in the West Village, fools for reading New York Magazine restaurant reviews, fools for believing the trendoids and "in-the-know" closet-transplants.

This pseudo-quiant place epitomizes the false downtown. May some indie "It" actress choke on an olive pit and sue the place for millions thus shutting it down.